Deserted, again...

At war, but as an unwilling and uninterested participant.
I just stand by and watch the traffic and demons go off.
And you, yes you, don't even ask me why I do nothing to stop them.
(Photo credit: Excerpts from one of the many horrors in my ink)

 Today, again, my nighttime companion thought it best to desert me. Just like yesterday, and the night before and the night before that lol. 

It's the Universe's way of telling me that I am not only undeserving of the warmth of human companionship but also, I do not deserve the cold companionship of sleep, which is likely to only escape my gory mind can get from all the traffics and choas that constantly at play in my head but now, the voices are so loud that it even scares the companion of the night away, keeping it at bay where I see it. Sometimes, it feels like it is close enough, fanning me with light caresses, but still, not enough to overpower the thundering noise and drown me like it usually does.

They used to say that the companion of the night was one wild and stilty one that's unstoppable by many demons. I mean, even the strongest of warriors succumb to her antics and don't dare go to war with her because it is always a losing game. Yet, here I am, with no fights left in me or any intentions to resist, still, she chooses to stay adrift for many a night and doesn't seem to think that my brain deserves the cold hands of her calm.

The ongoing traffic will often ask me what I have done to earn the presence and sweet whispers of the companion of the night, and the voices that scream at ear-piercing volumes don't hesitate to take its side. How else would I explain the many webs of commotion that do not even take turns to go off?

I feel the hollowness going deeper, with each night this coldhearted companion deserts me for the company of another and as if that is not enough, these unwanted and uninvited masons are steady at work laying up the most acclaimed walls of Jericho like they be trying so hard to recreate history on a deadline, brick by brick, ensuring that it gets harder for me and the cold companion of the night to have a mating and the good Lord Himself didn't know what He was doing, taking down them walls!!!

Sometimes, even I don't think I am deserving of such company anymore. I mean, how do I explain to you that I have a steady ongoing war in my head and for each time, there's clashing and clamouring for who should be the stronger occupant of my mind, with each dishing out raging emotions wanting to totally usurp the other. Because what exactly is the sole reason why I'd rather stare into emptiness, hoping to find some kind of solace from it, even when I know that it won't cast the shortest glance my way?

With the approach of the night, I tell myself, with little or no conviction, that perhaps I'd be shown little mercy by the guardians of the night and the litany of demons in mind. mercy or even pity enough to let out the nightly companion enough to come keep me company, even for an hour, but no... it is me, as always, hoping against hope. Then it dawns on me time and time again that even hope can be a dangerous thing, but in my case, it doesn't even sweat it. It just sits down and has a good, great laugh...